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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    I don't know who is going to see this, but this applies to the people who know who I am, and know how I have behaved in the past several months. To anyone else, this probably means nothing. And for the record, I'm not using anything in here as an excuse for anything. I don't care about my reputation, anymore.

    I really don't want to spill my entire life story on here as I guarantee nobody cares. I'll just say that a lot of traumatic things happened over the past year, and as a result, it perpetuated my self hating personality, and resurfaced dormant thoughts of self destruction. I wanted to feel like there was nothing left to live for, so I could ultimately end it all. The first step in accomplishing this, was to make everyone hate me. It sounds completely asinine, but this is truly how I felt. This impossible task was my reason to live. I later realized that nothing I do will stop people from wanting to help me, especially the people who love me.

    I used a lot of that negative energy to act like a shitlord on the internet. I reveled in the notion of acting as terrible as I had felt, but like any high, there where diminishing returns. It eventually got dull. Much like most other things in life. Things got really dull. So dull, my mind went to some very dark places. I'm terrified of myself, sometimes.

    Forgive me if this seems disorganized. It's 4am and I've been trying to articulate this for several hours. for some fucking reason
    Quote Originally Posted by Sonicyay2 View Post
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  2. #2
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    Apr 2015
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    Massachusetts
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    391

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  3. #3
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    Aug 2013
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    United Kingdom
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    Life itself is always going to be disorganised.

    I used to believe in karma in the sense that if somebody does something wrong to another, even if it didn't directly affect me, that karma would get them. That idea that I'd invested my time and emotion into became the opposite of what I actually believed it to be. If I'm almost waiting with bated breath for karma to get them, is karma not going to get me? for hoping the negativity I believed they deserved comes to get them? It was something I thought would get me through my own problems, but ultimately it is only me who can do that.

    You could be a drug addict, an alcoholic, a violent person, anything really, and you could just decide to change that. You could do a total 180 and become an entirely new person, positive person, but life will always play a disorganised, unpredictable role in these decisions. You could do all of this and still be hit by a bus. That is pure circumstance that we cannot predict or control.

    You have to be prepared for things to just not go your way. You almost have to expect the worse and train your mind to not fear it because subsequently the positive things that happen in your life are going to be that new drug for you, or be that new beer, or be the stress reliever you needed when you were violent. If you expect the worst, the best will be twice as uplifting.

    We live in a world where people don't or very rarely actually care about the life story of someone else. We only care what directly affects us, our lives, our safe places and our day-to-day lives because people are too caught up with things such as social media where you post a vague status on Facebook about how you feel or a photo of the fantastic day you're having on Instagram, and we lose track of our actual day because we're living in the past. We keep going back to that status or that photo to see how many people we've reached, and what nice things people have said about us so we get this forced dopamine injection that 'helps us feel better'.

    Maybe not today, next week, or even next year, but there will come a point where you are tired of being in the same routine and you find things you want. It could be a car, a partner, a vacation, whatever you desire, and you will create natural dopamine because you've created excitement in your mind. If I do this, I can get this. It's hard work, and it doesn't come immediately like, to go back to the social media thing, many things now are. Instant gratification. We're used to having what we think we want in a short time, that we lose sight of genuine accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness.

    The reason you were trying to articulate this post for so many hours was because you were trying to find it in yourself to understand more about yourself. These forced dopamine injections we have in life aren't fulfilling and we lose ourselves and forget who we are. We keep up appearances to impress our peers and our 'inner-circle'. It takes strength and care to start finding yourself again and it's actually a sign that you want things to change. The person you're terrified of isn't you. You haven't met the person you're terrified of yet because the person you're terrified of is the one you don't want to be. You want to succeed and feel happier and not be stuck in the same routine of self-destruction, and you will‚Äč get there.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
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    The Dog house on Levin St.
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    I'll humor the dopamine concept. I avoid social media as much as possible, but I do come from two addictive parents, so perhaps it's worth discussing. Whatever I fill that up with, would likely be unhealthy. When I was younger, I used to self harm, and even though I 'kicked' it, I've never stopped thinking about it. If I got into drugs or alcohol I would have even less control. The only reason I haven't gone off the deep end yet, is because I have people who don't want that to happen. Clearly, it's working out so well for me.

    You mentioned earlier, about expecting the worse. With anxiety levels as high as mine, it's hard to expect anything less. Every interaction is filled with dread. Partially why the first post took so god damn long to type out.

    A few thing that i will respond to, directly.

    Maybe not today, next week, or even next year, but there will come a point where you are tired of being in the same routine and you find things you want. It could be a car, a partner, a vacation, whatever you desire, and you will create natural dopamine because you've created excitement in your mind. If I do this, I can get this. It's hard work, and it doesn't come immediately like, to go back to the social media thing, many things now are. Instant gratification. We're used to having what we think we want in a short time, that we lose sight of genuine accomplishment, satisfaction and happiness.
    I certainly do feel this way, sometimes, but it's just that not a lot in life excites me. Not that i'm devoid of excitement, or anything, it's just, my interests are very narrow. I guess, my problem stems from what to do in between these bursts of excitement. Post con/concert depression is very real. As well as regular depression, but I digress.

    The reason you were trying to articulate this post for so many hours was because you were trying to find it in yourself to understand more about yourself. These forced dopamine injections we have in life aren't fulfilling and we lose ourselves and forget who we are.
    The first part of this, I agree with, the second part, I do not. I didn't lose my sense of self, due to social media, or dopamine deficiency, I never had a concept of self to begin with. The reason my posts seem so fogged (or at least, that's how I interpret them), is because I constantly keep changing throughout it. It's like I have many 'selves' that all want to present their take at one time, and then we get this clusterfuck of words that sometimes make sense.

    The person you're terrified of isn't you. You haven't met the person you're terrified of yet because the person you're terrified of is the one you don't want to be.
    I am terrified of the notion of becoming that person, true, but the reason it terrifies me so much, is because of the excitement I get in exploring these concepts in my head. Perhaps it's just because I'm so bored with everyday life.
    Quote Originally Posted by Sonicyay2 View Post
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