Official Orion cover art by Drakxxx

[oxol]

Essentially, I need someone to review this novel that is good at critique - and then give an honest score out of 10.

I'd love to do it if I only had the time :/

How soon would you need it?

[YoshiStar]

Btw: Sword of Light is now back up on Amazon, I have done a lot of editing to it. The book is also being proofread.

Again? Can't you give it some time and like completely finish it before you decide to put it up?

[Leegion]

Again? Can't you give it some time and like completely finish it before you decide to put it up?

Yeah, it seems as though I might need to do a rewrite. The proofreader has been turned off after the first page. Mainly because I describe the world far too vividly, leaving nothing to the imagination. I need to rewrite this novel, looking at it now I can see it needs a total overhaul.

Here's the issues:
World is too vivid, I explain too much about things that mean too little.
I overuse the same word in a sentence (like "it was getting faster and faster" when it should be "it was getting faster")

Orion is delayed, for now at least. I'll write a chapter at a time, hand it over to my proofreader and see where it goes from there.

[Leegion]

Rewrite is going exceptionally well, here is what I have so far:

Chapter One

Small Beginnings

Thawn and Elise Calona were always proud to say that they had never hidden a secret from anyone. They were in fact, the last people anyone would expect to be hiding a secret from the eyes of the public. They were normal, farm owners, from a small settlement in the northwest of the province. Never could anyone believe they would be concealing something, at least something as physical as a human being.
Thawn was a blacksmith who forged the finest steel and iron in the land, from sharp swords and axes to steel gauntlets and iron greaves. He was a large, broad, black bearded man with beady little eyes that were barely visible beneath those big bushy eyebrows of his. Elise worked with flowers and pottery, she had a beautiful rose garden out back and she also designed multiple types of pots to store the flowers in. She was a short, frail, blonde haired woman with sapphire blue eyes. She often spent time spying on other farms, just to see what type of seed Mrs Jigforn was using. The two were always in competition with one another, as Elise often won the award for the best kept garden in the land and Mrs Jigforn did not like it. So she cheated on frequent occasions to try and win the award. Elise though, was always one step ahead.
The Calona’s had been trying for a son for years, but each time they tried they failed. Thawn believed something was wrong with him, Elise believed something was wrong with her. They went to see a doctor in Farckona, the large city to the east of the farming settlement and when they arrived the doctor simply said they were unable to conceive for an ungodly reason that he could not explain. It was a mystery, to the both of them, as to why they could not conceive the one thing they had left to gain in their lives. They had the farm, they had the gold, but they lacked the one thing left to fill the empty space: A child.
Thawn returned to his grinding the day after returning from Farckona, and uncovered something strange in the barn. It was not a horse, it was not a Gryphon, instead it was a blanket wrapped around a crying child. When he saw the child he panicked, he did not know what to do. The baby kept crying and Malen, the stubborn farmer across the way, was mere seconds away from walking over as he could hear the racket. The stubby, slender old man with the twirling moustache gazed over the fence that he could barely see over and watched on as Thawn relaxed and leant on the barn. Thawn waved, nervously, pretending everything was hunky-dory even though it was really messed up, and a few moments later Malen went away.
Elise was standing in the kitchen, cooking up a nice warm meal for her husband, when she turned around and dropped the ladle of sauce to the ground with a gasp. Thawn was standing there, a baby in his arms and wonder on his face. He was still shocked to have a child in his arms, let alone a child that came from absolutely nowhere. Elise walked over with a tear in her eye and a tremble in her hands, she pulled back the blanket from the child’s face and revealed a baby covered in blood. Not horrifically, but as if the child had just been born.
“What do we do with it?” asked Thawn, in a north accent.
Elise wiped the dried blood away from the child’s face with a wet cloth, and gazed into his sapphire blue eyes. There was a note, beneath the child’s arm and she took it. After opening the note she read what it said to herself, leaving Thawn wondering.
“Lass, what is it?” he asked.
She smiled and gazed upon her husband, she held out her arms and he placed the child within. She rocked the baby back and forth ever so gently, as Thawn picked up the note from the table. He read a little of it, and then glanced upon the child once more.
“Welcome te the family, Orion,” said Thawn, welcomingly.
The two gazed over the child. Tears in their eyes. A gift from the Gods perhaps, or merely fantasy? Neither one of them could find an answer, but in truth, they did not want to. They had been given a chance to raise a child, and they were not going to fail. It did not take long for Thawn to bash some nails and saw some wood to make a cot, even if it was a little wonky and the nails poked out a little, it was still something for the baby to sleep in. The first night was tough, Orion kept crying and Thawn found himself out of bed frequently. Orion would not stop crying until Thawn was in the room, then he would stop as soon as his new father entered. Thawn decided, after the tenth time, to stay in the room for the night and sleep on the dirty old couch he had stored in the room a few years ago. Orion tossed and turned, but made no noise for the rest of the night. The following day Orion found himself bashing his clenched fists on the wooden rest of his highchair in the kitchen. Wearing nothing but a cut up old shirt that Thawn used to wear to keep him warm. Elise was baking, trying to find something to give Orion that he could eat without choking. They were unprepared even though they had been trying for a child for years, it was not as if they were expecting a child to seemingly drop out of the sky. If they were successful all they had to do was travel through the Great Forest into Farckona and see the doctor, and then they would have nine months to get ready. To get all of the proper food and clothing, and to actually have a real cot rather than one knocked together from pieces of wood from the barn outside.
“Hush, Orion - I am going as fast as I can,” said Elise, mashing some fruit and whisking it to create juice. Oranges, pears, apples and some sort of gourd type blue fruit being mixed together frantically. She handed Orion a tankard of fruit juice, and he looked at it with wonder in his eyes. He picked the tankard up, then the door seemingly broke down and Thawn fell to the ground with essentials in his hand. Orion cried, pulled his hands up quickly and the fruit juice splattered all over the kitchen. On the fire where the cooking pot was resting above, over on the counter where the steel whisk was sitting and over the dusty old windows. Elise sighed and put her hand to her forehead as Thawn stood up and apologized by hugging her.
“Sorry, lass - I am not used te havin’ a child in the-,” he said, stopping and watching as Orion dipped his finger into the mess of fruit on the table and then licked it. He pulled a sour face and stopped crying, as if the sourness of what he had tasted caused him to stop. Elise smiled, as did Thawn. Amused that Orion had some of his adult senses of knowing when something tastes awful. Orion looked across the table at the two of them and smiled.
“At least he hates what we hate,” said Elise.
“Aye, gourd fruit,” said Thawn, taking the gourd from the counter and tossing it out of the window into the chicken pen. Feathers flew, and chickens squawked as Thawn and Elise gazed across the table at Orion, their miracle child. A child that appeared from thin air, now the light in their eyes.

[KoopaDasher]

Rewrite is going exceptionally well, here is what I have so far:

Chapter One

Small Beginnings

Thawn and Elise Calona were always proud to say that they had never hidden a secret from anyone. They were in fact, the last people anyone would expect to be hiding a secret from the eyes of the public. They were normal, farm owners, from a small settlement in the northwest of the province. Never could anyone believe they would be concealing something, at least something as physical as a human being.
Thawn was a blacksmith who forged the finest steel and iron in the land, from sharp swords and axes to steel gauntlets and iron greaves. He was a large, broad, black bearded man with beady little eyes that were barely visible beneath those big bushy eyebrows of his. Elise worked with flowers and pottery, she had a beautiful rose garden out back and she also designed multiple types of pots to store the flowers in. She was a short, frail, blonde haired woman with sapphire blue eyes. She often spent time spying on other farms, just to see what type of seed Mrs Jigforn was using. The two were always in competition with one another, as Elise often won the award for the best kept garden in the land and Mrs Jigforn did not like it. So she cheated on frequent occasions to try and win the award. Elise though, was always one step ahead.
The Calona’s had been trying for a son for years, but each time they tried they failed. Thawn believed something was wrong with him, Elise believed something was wrong with her. They went to see a doctor in Farckona, the large city to the east of the farming settlement and when they arrived the doctor simply said they were unable to conceive for an ungodly reason that he could not explain. It was a mystery, to the both of them, as to why they could not conceive the one thing they had left to gain in their lives. They had the farm, they had the gold, but they lacked the one thing left to fill the empty space: A child.
Thawn returned to his grinding the day after returning from Farckona, and uncovered something strange in the barn. It was not a horse, it was not a Gryphon, instead it was a blanket wrapped around a crying child. When he saw the child he panicked, he did not know what to do. The baby kept crying and Malen, the stubborn farmer across the way, was mere seconds away from walking over as he could hear the racket. The stubby, slender old man with the twirling moustache gazed over the fence that he could barely see over and watched on as Thawn relaxed and leant on the barn. Thawn waved, nervously, pretending everything was hunky-dory even though it was really messed up, and a few moments later Malen went away.
Elise was standing in the kitchen, cooking up a nice warm meal for her husband, when she turned around and dropped the ladle of sauce to the ground with a gasp. Thawn was standing there, a baby in his arms and wonder on his face. He was still shocked to have a child in his arms, let alone a child that came from absolutely nowhere. Elise walked over with a tear in her eye and a tremble in her hands, she pulled back the blanket from the child’s face and revealed a baby covered in blood. Not horrifically, but as if the child had just been born.
“What do we do with it?” asked Thawn, in a north accent.
Elise wiped the dried blood away from the child’s face with a wet cloth, and gazed into his sapphire blue eyes. There was a note, beneath the child’s arm and she took it. After opening the note she read what it said to herself, leaving Thawn wondering.
“Lass, what is it?” he asked.
She smiled and gazed upon her husband, she held out her arms and he placed the child within. She rocked the baby back and forth ever so gently, as Thawn picked up the note from the table. He read a little of it, and then glanced upon the child once more.
“Welcome te the family, Orion,” said Thawn, welcomingly.
The two gazed over the child. Tears in their eyes. A gift from the Gods perhaps, or merely fantasy? Neither one of them could find an answer, but in truth, they did not want to. They had been given a chance to raise a child, and they were not going to fail. It did not take long for Thawn to bash some nails and saw some wood to make a cot, even if it was a little wonky and the nails poked out a little, it was still something for the baby to sleep in. The first night was tough, Orion kept crying and Thawn found himself out of bed frequently. Orion would not stop crying until Thawn was in the room, then he would stop as soon as his new father entered. Thawn decided, after the tenth time, to stay in the room for the night and sleep on the dirty old couch he had stored in the room a few years ago. Orion tossed and turned, but made no noise for the rest of the night. The following day Orion found himself bashing his clenched fists on the wooden rest of his highchair in the kitchen. Wearing nothing but a cut up old shirt that Thawn used to wear to keep him warm. Elise was baking, trying to find something to give Orion that he could eat without choking. They were unprepared even though they had been trying for a child for years, it was not as if they were expecting a child to seemingly drop out of the sky. If they were successful all they had to do was travel through the Great Forest into Farckona and see the doctor, and then they would have nine months to get ready. To get all of the proper food and clothing, and to actually have a real cot rather than one knocked together from pieces of wood from the barn outside.
“Hush, Orion - I am going as fast as I can,” said Elise, mashing some fruit and whisking it to create juice. Oranges, pears, apples and some sort of gourd type blue fruit being mixed together frantically. She handed Orion a tankard of fruit juice, and he looked at it with wonder in his eyes. He picked the tankard up, then the door seemingly broke down and Thawn fell to the ground with essentials in his hand. Orion cried, pulled his hands up quickly and the fruit juice splattered all over the kitchen. On the fire where the cooking pot was resting above, over on the counter where the steel whisk was sitting and over the dusty old windows. Elise sighed and put her hand to her forehead as Thawn stood up and apologized by hugging her.
“Sorry, lass - I am not used te havin’ a child in the-,” he said, stopping and watching as Orion dipped his finger into the mess of fruit on the table and then licked it. He pulled a sour face and stopped crying, as if the sourness of what he had tasted caused him to stop. Elise smiled, as did Thawn. Amused that Orion had some of his adult senses of knowing when something tastes awful. Orion looked across the table at the two of them and smiled.
“At least he hates what we hate,” said Elise.
“Aye, gourd fruit,” said Thawn, taking the gourd from the counter and tossing it out of the window into the chicken pen. Feathers flew, and chickens squawked as Thawn and Elise gazed across the table at Orion, their miracle child. A child that appeared from thin air, now the light in their eyes.

Brilliant. It made me smile.

[Leegion]

Brilliant. It made me smile.

Flows much better this way, one thing at a time rather than a million. I will finish off the first chapter soon, then send it over. I detail Orion's early years in the first chapter, from the day he arrived to the moment he becomes the Orion that will be seen through the duration of the series.

Essentially, 17 years will pass in this chapter and each character shall develop more.

[YoshiStar]

A lot better than before. Unlike your old beginning, this one really hooked me right from the start!

[Leegion]

A lot better than before. Unlike your old beginning, this one really hooked me right from the start!

The way I have it set up,each chapter will focus on a specific thing. As mentioned in the excerpt of the first three pages of the first chapter, there is a secret. By the end of the chapter, that secret will be revealed to the reader, but not to Orion. There is also a Gryphon triple-sequence in the first chapter. Orion tries to ride it three times, and gets closer each time. Trial and error.

In Chapter 2: Uncle Grel and the Bad Smell, the focus is on Orion's uncle, Grel. A snobby man from the east of Farckona. As the chapter progresses, you will learn why Orion does not like Grel.

From there I will follow the previous draft, each chapter I wrote in the previous draft will be similar but it will not be as jam-packed as the previous version. As Koopa can tell you, the previous version is full of backstory, mystery and details that are not important. I can mention the details, but not as much this time around.

Hopefully this time, it is superior. I have noticed I get better with each draft.

[KoopaDasher]

Yeah, it seems as though I might need to do a rewrite. The proofreader has been turned off after the first page. Mainly because I describe the world far too vividly, leaving nothing to the imagination. I need to rewrite this novel, looking at it now I can see it needs a total overhaul.

Here's the issues:
World is too vivid, I explain too much about things that mean too little.
I overuse the same word in a sentence (like "it was getting faster and faster" when it should be "it was getting faster")

Orion is delayed, for now at least. I'll write a chapter at a time, hand it over to my proofreader and see where it goes from there.

It wasn't that the world was too vivid. It was that it wasn't explained in the right way. Most readers have seen a forest before, or rolling hills, or farmland. They understand what those things look like. You should focus more on what makes your world unique. Tolkien doesn't spend The Lord of the Rings discussing every knoll in The Shire, or every field on the way to Helm's Deep. But he does spend a good amount of time describing Lothlorien, Fangorn, and the tiers of Gondor.

Rowling doesn't describe Privet Drive in great detail, but we could all practically draw a map of Hogsmeade, and you know exactly where to find The Room of Requirement, the Slytherin common room, and Hagrid's hut. We may not know what every portrait in Hogwarts looks like, but the fact that they move, talk to each other, and even gossip about the students creates a wonderful idea of what it's like to be there.

Even sci-fi novels, like Dune, by Frank Herbert, don't spend a lot of time describing scenery, but instead describe the feel of the place. The culture. It's so much more meaningful to hear the Freemen describe common religious ideologies, their blood, even their offspring in terms of water, rather than just a quick and painless "DAMN it's hot and dry up in this shit!".

Your world needs to be described. We need to feel like we're a part of it. But you would be better off doing that by focusing on what makes your location special, and how it feels to be there.

[roza]

Apparently this is the site. It's only a printers, not a publishers
http://bestbookprinting.com/

[Hades]

Sorry, I can't design your book. I don't have any images of swords, and I do not want to use one off the Internet in case of copyright infringement. I hope somebody else can do it. Worst case scenario just use your original I guess.

[Leegion]

It wasn't that the world was too vivid. It was that it wasn't explained in the right way. Most readers have seen a forest before, or rolling hills, or farmland. They understand what those things look like. You should focus more on what makes your world unique. Tolkien doesn't spend The Lord of the Rings discussing every knoll in The Shire, or every field on the way to Helm's Deep. But he does spend a good amount of time describing Lothlorien, Fangorn, and the tiers of Gondor.

Rowling doesn't describe Privet Drive in great detail, but we could all practically draw a map of Hogsmeade, and you know exactly where to find The Room of Requirement, the Slytherin common room, and Hagrid's hut. We may not know what every portrait in Hogwarts looks like, but the fact that they move, talk to each other, and even gossip about the students creates a wonderful idea of what it's like to be there.

Even sci-fi novels, like Dune, by Frank Herbert, don't spend a lot of time describing scenery, but instead describe the feel of the place. The culture. It's so much more meaningful to hear the Freemen describe common religious ideologies, their blood, even their offspring in terms of water, rather than just a quick and painless "DAMN it's hot and dry up in this shit!".

Your world needs to be described. We need to feel like we're a part of it. But you would be better off doing that by focusing on what makes your location special, and how it feels to be there.

I'll describe the world as best I can without going too over-the-top. So far I am 10,000 words in and over 3 chapters through. So far I have described the Great Forest, The Cairen and even some of the culture such as Elves being top of the food chain due to their ability to control magic. Thawn's dislike for the Elves. Orion's dislike for his uncle and how Orion feels when he sees a Minotaur for the first time, skulking in the forest where he goes to collect Fire Berries.

The world is shaping, ever-evolving. I never describe everything or every single little detail, that will now be up to the readers to imagine. All characters will have their own personalities, they will all be unique and each reader will find something in the novel that they can communicate with. Hopefully, once this is done, I can read through it and feel as if this book will be amazing not just to me, but to everyone else.

[amad2]

Sounds good now that you have confidence in yourself again. Good luck (again)!

[Leegion]

Anyone up for designing a quick graphical cover of a sword? I would like to see what people can do in the vein of Fifty Shades or the adult themed Harry Potter novel covers (such as the tattered book on Half-Blood Prince's cover).

All I need is a simple design, a sword in darkness letting off light.

Update on novel: 4 chapters through, Orion is dead. Story continues with Luke Skywalker fighting off Voldemort as Sauron looks on from Narnia. This is a joke btw

[Eggboy'13]

Update on novel: 4 chapters through, Orion is dead. Story continues with Luke Skywalker fighting off Voldemort as Sauron looks on from Narnia.

Oh sweet merciful Jehovah, why aren't you writing THAT book?

[Leegion]

Oh sweet merciful Jehovah, why aren't you writing THAT book?

If copyright didn't exist I would write Luke Skywalker and the Deathly Hallows of Narnia in Middle Earth. But you're just going to have to make do with Orion. Not that that's a bad thing, the new Orion is full of content to make people happy.

[Eggboy'13]

If copyright didn't exist I would write Luke Skywalker and the Deathly Hallows of Narnia in Middle Earth.

[Daemon]

If copyright didn't exist I would write Luke Skywalker and the Deathly Hallows of Narnia in Middle Earth. But you're just going to have to make do with Orion. Not that that's a bad thing, the new Orion is full of content to make people happy.

Why Luke? Han Solo FTW.

[roza]

Why Luke? Han Solo FTW.

Fuck you! Ewok #5 is the best

[Leegion]

This new Orion is so much better than the previous one. It's more mystical than ever before, with a deep plot that slowly unravels in better fashion than before. Not to mention Orion going to great lengths so early on, before his real journey even begins. The opening few chapters revolve around Orion's relationship with his parents. An opening that is stronger, and more powerful than anything I have written before hand.

I really cannot wait to give out the first 3 chapters as a sample. In truth, I might, no, I will get a Literary Agent with this version.