The Relationships Thread of Discussing the Enigma that is Women

[Mariolee]

Just came across a novel debate: do you believe that you can choose who you love, and that the reason people believe that it is some unspoken mysterious emotion is because it's simply easier to think of it that way?

[tmrd]

Just came across a novel debate: do you believe that you can choose who you love, and that the reason people believe that it is some unspoken mysterious emotion is because it's simply easier to think of it that way?

This will probably make no sense, but whatever.
I think you can't choose who you love, but you can choose, with enough willpower, who you don't love. You can't help falling but I think you can definitely choose when to stand back up and get over it.

[Mariolee]

But why can't you help who you fall in love with?

[tmrd]

But why can't you help who you fall in love with?

The same way that you can't control if you digest the food you eat or not.
I don't think it is possible to control your internals. Hormones are a part of that. Falling for someone, from what I know anyway, is a matter of hormones. Getting over someone is a state of mind.

[Manuel_Alejandro95]

[Thunderhead]

Just came across a novel debate: do you believe that you can choose who you love, and that the reason people believe that it is some unspoken mysterious emotion is because it's simply easier to think of it that way?

No. I don't think you can choose who you love. Love is just a biological process. It's your body using your senses to determine, based on many different factors, who it would be best for you to mate with in order to give your children the best chance at survival. It's just chemistry and biology at work. Everything from hormone levels to the chemical scents a person gives off, to eye contact and hair texture, all the way to body proportions and voice styling. It's all a factor. And in this case, I do not believe you can choose WHO to love, because your body will tell you WHO to love, based on whether or not they are compatible with you. That's why breakups are so hard... it's not just an emotional attachment breaking... it's your body physically LONGING to do the nasty with that person and pass on your genetic line.

Without taking science into account, though, I still don't believe that it is possible to choose who to love. There are many girls I still love that I wish I did not, and many girls I wish I could that I simply do not.

[tmrd]

No. I don't think you can choose who you love. Love is just a biological process. It's your body using your senses to determine, based on many different factors, who it would be best for you to mate with in order to give your children the best chance at survival. It's just chemistry and biology at work. Everything from hormone levels to the chemical scents a person gives off, to eye contact and hair texture, all the way to body proportions and voice styling. It's all a factor. And in this case, I do not believe you can choose WHO to love, because your body will tell you WHO to love, based on whether or not they are compatible with you. That's why breakups are so hard... it's not just an emotional attachment breaking... it's your body physically LONGING to do the nasty with that person and pass on your genetic line.

Without taking science into account, though, I still don't believe that it is possible to choose who to love. There are many girls I still love that I wish I did not, and many girls I wish I could that I simply do not.

What about asexuals? People that have romantic attraction without sexual desire? How do you explain them?

[Thunderhead]

What about asexuals? People that have romantic attraction without sexual desire? How do you explain them?

To be honest, I've never heard of that. To me, that defies all logic. I've heard of sexual desire decreasing as someone ages, due to lower hormone levels and lower energy levels and lower health, but for someone in their prime to have no sexual desire... I can't explain it. I guess it's the same idea... lower hormones, lower energy. Or maybe it's out of fear... it sounds more like someone who just wants to be very close friends with a person. I can only assume that there must be a valid scientific reason why that person feels no sexual desire for anyone.

[YamiGekusu]

Me and my friend have known each other for ten years. He stood up for me when some asshole was harassing me relentlessly. He even got knocked over by said asshole. I always admired his bravery that day.

I guess you can say that that was what it was that got me falling for my friend, I guess.

(The story at the beginning of this post happened in the eighth grade btw)

[Mariolee]

No. I don't think you can choose who you love. Love is just a biological process. It's your body using your senses to determine, based on many different factors, who it would be best for you to mate with in order to give your children the best chance at survival. It's just chemistry and biology at work. Everything from hormone levels to the chemical scents a person gives off, to eye contact and hair texture, all the way to body proportions and voice styling. It's all a factor. And in this case, I do not believe you can choose WHO to love, because your body will tell you WHO to love, based on whether or not they are compatible with you. That's why breakups are so hard... it's not just an emotional attachment breaking... it's your body physically LONGING to do the nasty with that person and pass on your genetic line.

Without taking science into account, though, I still don't believe that it is possible to choose who to love. There are many girls I still love that I wish I did not, and many girls I wish I could that I simply do not.

But what you're talking about isn't "love", but sexual attraction. I'm not asking if you can choose when or when not to get a boner, I'm asking if you can choose who you can put your emotions into. I mean, I see people, including myself, get hung up on a girl and crush on her. Is there a point where we can think logically and say, "Although this feels like the correct choice right now, I know logically that this is never going to work out," instead of, "Although logically this is never going to work out, I'm sure true love will see us through!"

People say that they wish to not be in love with girls that break their hearts and complain that love has been terrible to them. What if they're simply just too lazy to work out their emotions and think that "I don't think I was ever right for her anyway," and go on their merry way. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but it's just a thought.

[Thunderhead]

But what you're talking about isn't "love", but sexual attraction. I'm not asking if you can choose when or when not to get a boner, I'm asking if you can choose who you can put your emotions into. I mean, I see people, including myself, get hung up on a girl and crush on her. Is there a point where we can think logically and say, "Although this feels like the correct choice right now, I know logically that this is never going to work out," instead of, "Although logically this is never going to work out, I'm sure true love will see us through!"

People say that they wish to not be in love with girls that break their hearts and complain that love has been terrible to them. What if they're simply just too lazy to work out their emotions and think that "I don't think I was ever right for her anyway," and go on their merry way. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but it's just a thought.

Personally, I believe that romantic love and sexual desire are two sides of the same coin, one leading to the other. Romantic love is just chemistry... that's all it is. Chemistry in the brain reacting to different sights and smells coming from a person. You brain reacts by making you "fall in love". You want to be around that person more often, you want to be impress them, you want to make them laugh, protect them when they're sad, bring them gifts for no reason.... and for what purpose? All to show the girl in question that you, Mariolee, and not Prince Charming, Heir to the throne of Wellhungshire, would be the best choice as a mate. Falling in love is nothing more than that. For guys, it causes us to be random and reckless, giving in to basic instincts all for the purposes of winning the attraction of a single girl. For a girl, it causes her to realize that this guy is the one she wants to be with, thus singling this guy out as her mate.

Love is nothing more than nature's attempt to find the very best person for you to mate with, that will offer your children the best possible chance at survival, be the best mother/father, have the best health, and offer the best mixture of genes for future generations. And in that case, I still do not believe that you can choose who to love. Even when you try, I don't believe you can. Not if it's "true love". The only thing that can actually end love, in my opinion, is an event so drastic that it completely changes your body's view of that person, so that your body no longer sees that person as an optimum mate. That's where your divorce comes in... your breakups... events that change your body's perception so that your mate is no longer considered by your body to be optimum.

[tmrd]

Personally, I believe that romantic love and sexual desire are two sides of the same coin, one leading to the other. Romantic love is just chemistry... that's all it is. Chemistry in the brain reacting to different sights and smells coming from a person. You brain reacts by making you "fall in love". You want to be around that person more often, you want to be impress them, you want to make them laugh, protect them when they're sad, bring them gifts for no reason.... and for what purpose? All to show the girl in question that you, Mariolee, and not Prince Charming, Heir to the throne of Wellhungshire, would be the best choice as a mate. Falling in love is nothing more than that. For guys, it causes us to be random and reckless, giving in to basic instincts all for the purposes of winning the attraction of a single girl. For a girl, it causes her to realize that this guy is the one she wants to be with, thus singling this guy out as her mate.

Love is nothing more than nature's attempt to find the very best person for you to mate with, that will offer your children the best possible chance at survival, be the best mother/father, have the best health, and offer the best mixture of genes for future generations. And in that case, I still do not believe that you can choose who to love. Even when you try, I don't believe you can. Not if it's "true love". The only thing that can actually end love, in my opinion, is an event so drastic that it completely changes your body's view of that person, so that your body no longer sees that person as an optimum mate. That's where your divorce comes in... your breakups... events that change your body's perception so that your mate is no longer considered by your body to be optimum.

I know you are full into Science and stuff, so just a question.. The stuff you say here, is this theory or fact? I'm not trying to attack you, I'm just really interested to know. The whole idea of the brain only wanting love for sex just sounds really absurd to me, that's all.

[Thunderhead]

I know you are full into Science and stuff, so just a question.. The stuff you say here, is this theory or fact? I'm not trying to attack you, I'm just really interested to know. The whole idea of the brain only wanting love for sex just sounds really absurd to me, that's all.

If you're looking for a link to a scientific study, I don't have it, but it's all pretty well documented and covered in most higher biology classes. I wouldn't say that the ONLY reason the brain wants love is for sex. There's more to it than that. As humans, we're group creatures. We crave the comfort of friends and family, for warmth, companionship, security, discussion of ideas, etc. We're very creative, and we long to share our creations with others. Being in love with someone offers us everything we want... it gives us a mate that is matched to us on many different levels of compatibility... it gives us a close friend to talk to when we're down, to share our lives with... it gives us a mother or father for our children... it increases the size of our family circle, giving us as social creatures yet another person to feel close to. It's not just about the physical... it's about the mental as well. But it's all based around finding us what we need, with reproduction first.

[tmrd]

If you're looking for a link to a scientific study, I don't have it, but it's all pretty well documented and covered in most higher biology classes. I wouldn't say that the ONLY reason the brain wants love is for sex. There's more to it than that. As humans, we're group creatures. We crave the comfort of friends and family, for warmth, companionship, security, discussion of ideas, etc. We're very creative, and we long to share our creations with others. Being in love with someone offers us everything we want... it gives us a mate that is matched to us on many different levels of compatibility... it gives us a close friend to talk to when we're down, to share our lives with... it gives us a mother or father for our children... it increases the size of our family circle, giving us as social creatures yet another person to feel close to. It's not just about the physical... it's about the mental as well. But it's all based around finding us what we need, with reproduction first.

Ok, cool. Was just curious, and as a 10th grade student who is god-awful at science, I find it all quite interesting, that's all.

[rpgfreak]

I guess the bestfriend of the girl I liked likes me. I might have accidentely led her on by starting conversations a few times on Facebook but now she tries texting me everyday. She asks if I want to hang out her and I make excuses. She's nice but I like her for a friend. I feel bad because I've been in that position. How do I deal with this?

[Mariolee]

I guess the bestfriend of the girl I liked likes me. I might have accidentely led her on by starting conversations a few times on Facebook but now she tries texting me everyday. She asks if I want to hang out her and I make excuses. She's nice but I like her for a friend. I feel bad because I've been in that position. How do I deal with this?

If you really don't enjoy her company that much, I would say that only reply to her texts every other text message, and start gradually decreasing the amount of time you talk to her. Soon, you'll seldom talk to her and you'll both forget all about this. What you shouldn't do is lead her on, or talk to her too much.

[Thunderhead]

I hate myself for getting my hopes up. I hate myself for even daring to think that after all these years of no contact, my long-adored first crush might even want to look my way beyond using me as a middle-man. I hate myself for allowing my mind to be drawn onto old roads, old paths, into the dark, dilapidated, crumbling shacks full of memories that turn to dust at the slightest touch of sunlight on their frayed and yellowed edges. But what I hate myself for the most is the hope I felt. The hope that in this bottomless pit I call my life, in which not a single living soul around me understands even the most basic of thoughts going through my mind, that there might be a single ray of light in the darkness. The hope that in this maelstrom of life that I ride like a man clinging desperately to a last piece of wooden raft, there might be someone who could drop a ladder and offer a hand. I had hoped that, by using our combined navigational knowledge, we might steer a clear course together. But it was not to be.

And in my new-found frustration and disappointment, sadly my only outlet is language... writing... poetry, mostly. Ironic that from my moments of bleakest sadness and deepest hollows of self-contempt come my best pieces of writing. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, my mind begins its recovery first, pouring the turgid waters drawn from its emotional depths onto the blank page. And so the cycle continues. And if nothing else, I learn once more the lesson I refuse to accept... that I have no business roaming through the expanse of the plains of love.

[Ronthis the Werewolf]

Me and my friend have known each other for ten years. He stood up for me when some asshole was harassing me relentlessly. He even got knocked over by said asshole. I always admired his bravery that day.

I guess you can say that that was what it was that got me falling for my friend, I guess.

(The story at the beginning of this post happened in the eighth grade btw)

That's cute.

[Novus]

This girl... she's so funny, beautiful, and amazing. I can't stop thinking about her, literally. I've known her for about five years. Thing is, a close friend of mine (we'll just call him Bob) that lives in North Carolina (he moved a couple years back) also knew her for about the same time and also likes her. And I'm thinking she likes Bob by the way she's acting towards him. But then again, he's spent a little more time hanging around with her than I did and she was acting a little affectionate towards me too, just not as strong. Bob is going back to NC this Wednesday.

What should I do VGBA? Go after the girl of my dreams even if she's (possiblly) more interested in a friend that lives away? Is that only because Bob spent a little more time with her? If I began to hang around with her a lot more often would she have feelings for me too? Or should I just follow along with the whole bros before hoes method?

Oh, and did I mention she's amazing and beautiful and funny?

[Thunderhead]

This girl... she's so funny, beautiful, and amazing. I can't stop thinking about her, literally. I've known her for about five years. Thing is, a close friend of mine (we'll just call him Bob) that lives in North Carolina (he moved a couple years back) also knew her for about the same time and also likes her. And I'm thinking she likes Bob by the way she's acting towards him. But then again, he's spent a little more time hanging around with her than I did and she was acting a little affectionate towards me too, just not as strong. Bob is going back to NC this Wednesday.

What should I do VGBA? Go after the girl of my dreams even if she's (possiblly) more interested in a friend that lives away? Is that only because Bob spent a little more time with her? If I began to hang around with her a lot more often would she have feelings for me too? Or should I just follow along with the whole bros before hoes method?

Oh, and did I mention she's amazing and beautiful and funny?

I was in a similar situation when I was in high school, only my friend didn't move. In my limited experience, I would say chasing after this girl is a bad idea. The chances of it completely blowing up in your face are low, and the worst you'll get is probably embarrassment and a "No thanks", but it's still an awkward conversation. At least in my experience, when a girl is really, honestly interested... there's very little doubt.