The Relationships Thread of Discussing the Enigma that is Women

[TheKoopaDasher]

That hurts. It's having your heart basically ripped out of you and whatnot.

Not so much as you would think. And at this point after all these years of trying, my entire viewpoint on relationships has changed. After meeting the girl I just mentioned, talking with her, and realizing that it is possible to be comfortable and happy in a relationship without changing who I am, I've made the conscious decision to try my best to NOT go for someone unless they make me feel like that again. I feel like someone who makes me feel anything less than what that girl made me feel would leave me wanting more, and knowing that I'm missing something in the relationship. And strangely enough, even though that girl is taken, and given her age will probably marry her current boyfriend, this is the first time ever that I feel reasonably happy NOT being in a relationship. And I think it's because A) I know what I'm looking for in a girl now B) I realize that I currently lack the life I would need to support the relationship I think I want and C) I'm fine with NOT having a girlfriend, because I've realized that every relationship I've ever been in wasn't as good as my friendship with that one girl.

Of course, I don't always stick to that as closely as I would like (see last few pages), but for the most part I can go through my daily life without feeling the need to go after girls, because I've realized that when the girl is right for me, she will come to me.

[YamiGekusu]

Out of all of that...THAT'S what you got out of it?

I actually write in old notebooks how he's been making me happy all these years. I write my feelings out all the time but I still can't figure out why I'm so damn poorly timed with telling people things. :|

(shit, he's texting me right now)

[TheKoopaDasher]

Here are a few steps:

1. Recognize your insecurities.

I've heard this argument before, and it doesn't work for me. You know what actively recognizing my flaws and insecurities does for me? It makes me feel like shit, and I spend the rest of the night depressed. I have a LOT of insecurities, and I'm sure any normal human being is going to have insecurities. Trying NOT to have insecurities is not only a fictitious goal, but one that can never possibly be accomplished.

2. Talk about it with friends and loved ones.

I don't have any friends these days, I don't trust my loved ones enough to talk about this stuff with them, and whenever I tell you guys I either get flamed for talking about it too much or the people I talk to about it stop responding and block me. As for accepting my circumstances, that's easier said than done, and certainly isn't going to happen overnight. Most of my issues are deep-set and have followed me for the greater part of my life, and would take years and years of success in order to invalidate them. And the thing is, most of them ARE bad. Not thinking of them as bad isn't going to solve anything. What I need to do is learn from them, realize that yes, they are bad, they were bad, but I can still succeed now. And that's what I'm trying to do. But it's a very, very slow process.

3. Remember that no one is perfect.

Yes, I'm aware of this, as I've already mentioned in the last two steps. Life sucks, and life isn't going to STOP sucking just because you use some mind tricks to convince yourself that it has.

4. Identify your successes.

I realize that I have talents. The issue is that I've never met anyone that shares those talents. So when I am finally confident enough to talk to a girl, and they ask me what I like to do, I feel horrible when they hear what I like to do and look at me as though I'm from another planet. My issue isn't feeling insecure in my own hobbies... whenever I'm alone, I feel great about my hobbies and interests. It's when other people look down on my interests and act as though my interests disgust them that I feel bad.

5. Be thankful for what you have.

Well, I don't get emotional validation in the slightest, I've always had terrible luck, and I've had money problems since I started college. Among other things. And yes, I'm glad I can still go to college and that I have a job, but that doesn't diminish the previous problems. It just makes me think about something else.

6. Be Positive, even if you don't feel the same way.

I've always hated that quote... that others cannot make you feel inferior without your permission. Anyone who believes that has never had anyone make them feel inferior. Spend the greater part of your childhood being bullied and beaten up and living without friends and you'll soon realize that people can do whatever they hell they want with you, regardless of permission. I spent the greater part of my childhood never believing I was less of a person than the other kids in school, but that didn't stop them from treating me as though I was. And eventually, whether I want to allow it or not, the mind begins to believe what it sees from others. As for speaking positively about my future, I can't speak positively about next week, and in this economy few people can. I WISH I could say for certain what will happen in my future, but I can't, and any attempt to say that it's likely to be positive would be a lie, considering that the last 6 years of my life have been the worst years so far. As for forcing myself to feel positive, I've heard that before, and it has never worked for me. I'm not the type of person that can lie to myself. I'm a realist. And if reality happens to suck balls, then that's just how reality is at the moment.

7. Accept compliments gracefully.

I haven't gotten a compliment about anything in real life since starting college, so that's a moot point.

8. Look in the mirror and smile.

If you look at our family photos, I haven't smiled in photos since I was 7 years old. At least not a real, sincere smile. Why? Because I was seven when the bullying started and I realized that 1) People are jackasses and will do crap to you simply because they want to and 2) Life sucks, and no one will help you when you're down. The only thing you can do is wait for it to be over, and bandage your wounds. So maybe I could change my entire outlook on life if I smiled, but it's been about 16 years since I've had anything to really smile about.

All of these things are just mind tricks. That's all they are. They don't tackle the problem, they're just short term solutions for tricking your mind and making you forget about your problems for a few minutes. It's not unlike when photographers use the squeaky toy to make kids smile so that they can take the picture. Sure, it makes the kid forget that it's in a strange place and around strange people, wearing strange close and sitting on a strange chair, all without it's mom, long enough to smile for a second, but as soon as it's over, the kid's going to remember everything. That's exactly how these "Solutions" are. Real change, real self-confidence, real improvement, doesn't happen overnight, and it's not going to happen by tricking your mind into believing something that isn't true. It can only happen through success, self-respect, and other people around you recognizing that you have something to offer.

[Mariolee]

I actually write in old notebooks how he's been making me happy all these years. I write my feelings out all the time but I still can't figure out why I'm so damn poorly timed with telling people things. :|

(shit, he's texting me right now)

Plan to meet up somewhere. Then tell him that you really like him. Darn all the consequences.

[YamiGekusu]

Plan to meet up somewhere. Then tell him that you really like him. Darn all the consequences.

We just had an hour-long texting session and I said as the last message (and I quote) "Call me damn it"

:|

[TheKoopaDasher]

Plan to meet up somewhere. Then tell him that you really like him. Darn all the consequences.

Yes, because telling someone out of the blue that you really like them ALWAYS works (in movies). You know what happens in real life when you tell someone you like them? It creeps them out. Doesn't matter if it's a close friend or a complete stranger, a female or a male, across the board, telling someone you like them creeps people out. Why? I don't know. But it does. They feel awkward, they don't know what to say, they don't want to hurt your feelings but they don't want to be in a relationship with you, because if they did (if they're a friend) they would ALREADY be in a relationship with you. In the end, the person stops talking to you completely, you feel like shit because you lost someone near and dear to you and you feel like you weren't good enough for them, your self-esteem drops like a rock, you become depressed for months, and finally you regain enough self-respect to ask someone else out. And the cycle repeats.

[YamiGekusu]

Yes, because telling someone out of the blue that you really like them ALWAYS works (in movies). You know what happens in real life when you tell someone you like them? It creeps them out. Doesn't matter if it's a close friend or a complete stranger, a female or a male, across the board, telling someone you like them creeps people out. Why? I don't know. But it does. They feel awkward, they don't know what to say, they don't want to hurt your feelings but they don't want to be in a relationship with you, because if they did (if they're a friend) they would ALREADY be in a relationship with you. In the end, the person stops talking to you completely, you feel like shit because you lost someone near and dear to you and you feel like you weren't good enough for them, your self-esteem drops like a rock, you become depressed for months, and finally you regain enough self-respect to ask someone else out. And the cycle repeats.

YEah, I wouldn't want to end up being severely depressed for months-on-end again, now would you.

[Luigi53]

It seems like Mariolee is trying to give you advice, but you keep complaining about what he says.

If you didn't want any advice, why did you come to this thread?

[TheKoopaDasher]

It seems like Mariolee is trying to help you, but you keep complaining about what he says.

If you didn't want any help, why did you come to this thread?

I'm not complaining. I'm commenting on why the steps he posted do not work. And I came to the thread this time to comment on YamiGekusu's problem.

Also, your sig is enormous. Please shrink it.

[Mariolee]

YEah, I wouldn't want to end up being severely depressed for months-on-end again, now would you.

Ok then. Do this: wait months and years and decades without end, holding in all the emotion you have for him. Let it all build up inside of you that when you finally do it and it's been years later, he finally says no and you feel crushed because you waited so long.

You have to tell him sometime. But first you have to be sure of it: do you want a relationship with this guy? Do you honestly know what a relationship is and what it requires? If yes to both of these, then go for it. OR you can go with the alternative and waste your time "hoping" he'll like you.

I'll get to Koopa a bit later.

[Luigi53]

I'm not complaining. I'm commenting on why the steps he posted do not work. And I came to the thread this time to comment on YamiGekusu's problem.

Also, your sig is enormous. Please shrink it.

Well you never tried them, or have you? If you haven't, don't decline it if you don't know if it works or not.

[TheKoopaDasher]

Well you never tried them, or have you? If you haven't, don't decline it if you don't know if it works or not.

Clearly you missed my massive post where I listed specific and various reasons why each of the steps he posted do not work for me.

[Luigi53]

Clearly you missed my massive post where I listed specific and various reasons why each of the steps he posted do not work for me.

I read it, and it didn't say me once. Just listen to Mariolee, I'm not the Love Doctor.

[YamiGekusu]

Ok then. Do this: wait months and years and decades without end, holding in all the emotion you have for him. Let it all build up inside of you that when you finally do it and it's been years later, he finally says no and you feel crushed because you waited so long.

You have to tell him sometime. But first you have to be sure of it: do you want a relationship with this guy? Do you honestly know what a relationship is and what it requires? If yes to both of these, then go for it. OR you can go with the alternative and waste your time "hoping" he'll like you.

I'll get to Koopa a bit later.

You know what? I was actually planning to move away in 2009 with my ex but in a way, I'm glad I didn't move away because I'd be away from my friend

[TheKoopaDasher]

You know what? I was actually planning to move away in 2009 with my ex but in a way, I'm glad I didn't move away because I'd be away from my friend

I did the same thing in 2008... planned to move halfway across the country to live with my ex. I've found that it's rarely a good idea to uproot your entire life for a relationship. It puts too much stress on the relationship itself. It seems to be a much better idea to find someone currently in your life that fits easily in it, rather than someone that requires you to change everything you've ever known.

[YamiGekusu]

I did the same thing in 2008... planned to move halfway across the country to live with my ex. I've found that it's rarely a good idea to uproot your entire life for a relationship. It puts too much stress on the relationship itself. It seems to be a much better idea to find someone currently in your life that fits easily in it, rather than someone that requires you to change everything you've ever known.

^This. So much this.

[fency00]

I like the way you explain the things..Keep posting.........
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[Luigi53]

I like the way you explain the things..Keep posting.........
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[Mariolee]

You know what? I was actually planning to move away in 2009 with my ex but in a way, I'm glad I didn't move away because I'd be away from my friend

Ok, so you know what a relationship entails, although I wouldn't advise any moving unless you guys were getting engaged or something serious like that. If you want to pursue a relationship with this friend, then ask him. You have to do it sometime. If you're not sure if you want to pursue a relationship like that, then ignore it and just enjoy the friendship.

[TheKoopaDasher]

^This. So much this.

In my situation it was horrible... I had spent most of my life savings paying college tuition there, housing, and preparing for a job. I had my car ready for a trip of nearly 1500 miles. My entire family was telling me daily that I couldn't do it, that she wasn't worth it, that it was a horrible decision, that I would end up pennyless and she would leave me. I was stuck between wanting desperately to see her after having not seen her all summer, and feeling very nervous about leaving behind everything I had ever known for a girl I had not even known for a year. Two days before I would have packed my car and moved out, I broke down... I couldn't take it anymore. The stress of having everyone in my entire family (as well as most people who knew me) against me when I was at the point that I desperately needed support for a decision I wasn't entirely sure about ruined me. I ended up in a blubbering ball for a day, and I had to call her and tell her I couldn't do it, that I couldn't move, I couldn't uproot my life. She broke up with me, of course. We tried getting back together online several times after that, but it always ended badly. She had changed, I had changed, and the fact that we were comfortable around each other couldn't change the fact that it couldn't work out. She moved on, and has been dating the same guy since 2009, and will probably marry him, and we haven't spoken in almost that long.